"I just decided to do it and then went and did it"
- Me to anyone who would listen Post-Bear -
"No one on the corner has swagger like us
Hit me on my burner prepaid wireless
We pack and deliver like UPS trucks
Already going to hell, just pumping that gas"
- MIA - Paper Planes -
Have you ever heard one single song for 34 and a half hours?
I have.
Have you ever thought you were something other than you are despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary?
I have.
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| Utah Mornings - Me |
Putting the Bear 100 into proper context I feel like it was kind of my coming out party. I'm a rudely privileged person and I go through life in some intoxicated level of comfort, but I've often had this nagging feeling that I don't belong, that I'm not "enough" for some of the things that I purport to be. Not least of all Ultra-marathons. Not a race goes by where I don't think that I've scraped through by the skin of my teeth, or somehow dishonored the tradition by not being properly prepared and being the guy who barely makes it in rough shape.
Wikipedia (yes, I know...) defines Impostor Syndrome as... "a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a 'fraud'." That about sums it up; this sport I love has been for me an exercise in living this truth and hoping against hope that I might someday trick myself into thinking something different about myself. If the Bear 100 did nothing else I think it finally might have put that to bed. I spent a lot of time this year getting right from injury and made plans for the aspects of the Bear that would pose new and exciting challenges vs. what I had experienced before. I showed up healthy, rested and focused on what I had decided to accomplish. And you know what? I just went out and accomplished it.
I paced smartly from the start, easing into the early miles and climbs, dutifully consuming calories even when it seemed like a bad idea. I studiously replaced calories expelled in distress, I micro-managed digestive issues and bargained with myself on what I really needed, what I could withstand and what I could consume. And then, when the early investments I had made in myself started paying off I hit the switch. If the numbers are to be believed I gained 65 places between mile 61.5 and 100. It was easily the most exhilarating part of the race (of any race), compounded by the unexpected appearance of friends and an escort with 8 miles to go. Everything hurt and nothing hurt. I just did it.
I've never felt more validated by any running experience and perhaps some of that is to do with taking the step of tackling such a goal alone. No crew, no pacers (except unplanned, after the conclusion was beyond foregone) and nowhere to hide. It was all me, and I would either be enough or I wouldn't.
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| Falling into run - Ely Gerbin |
There isn't really a direct antonym for impostor, but if there was I would probably now call myself that, because now I sort of get the feeling that it's what I am.
